


Stand and Deliver ('cause bitch I'm fabulous)

by Miramise



Series: I Get By with a Little Help from My Friends [4]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Leon and Sherry have each other's back, Leon is surrounded by idiots, M/M, Mild Drama, Multi, Piers Nivans Lives, Post RE6, Sleepovers, men in makeup, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-06-03 15:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19466626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miramise/pseuds/Miramise
Summary: The group have a sleepover at Sherry's place.  So of course there will be makeovers; the boys were forcibly volunteered for them.  Things go about as well as can be expected with this lot involved.  (Leon and Sherry will destroy the competition if they have anything to say about it.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before anyone gets on me about political and agency details I may have broken: 1. such details I'm getting from the RE wiki, and a lot is sourced, though whether the source is canon or not I can't say. 2. fanfic is never to be considered canon in the first place. It can and often does break canon. The ships alone can break canon. So there you are.
> 
> The places Sherry refers to are all fictitious. CSA mentioned isn't a canon character, either. Basically if you don't recognise it, it's probably not canon.
> 
> **UPDATE** : Friends friends friends, this fic has fanart! The wonderful [Aideryn](https://aiderynddraig.tumblr.com) has gifted me the most amazing pic of the boys in their makeovers! Pic at bottom and as separate chapter. Please give them much love!

Jake's lip curled in absolute disapproval. It wasn't so much where they were; it was Sherry's place, and he and Piers were rooming in with her, so it was home territory. And what they were doing wasn't the issue either, though he'd been a little (a lot) surprised when Sherry _and_ Leon had suggested it. No, that was fine for the most part, he supposed. (It would have been better with alcohol, but that got voted down real fast.) No, the problem was the piece of what he'd been _told_ was a fashionable accessory being held in front of him.

The O-ring mauve headband was not his color, no matter what Claire said.

"Why are we doing this?" he complained for the umpteenth time that night. "No, please, tell me. Why are we doing _this_? There are a million other things we could be doing."

"That's a large number," Helena interrupted. She was busy looking through a rather organized bin of hairclips. "Are you sure there are a _million_ things we could be doing?"

"...dozens. Dozens of other things we could be doing. Or dozen, singular," Jake said before anyone else could cut in. "For example, Monopoly—"

"Forbidden after weapons were pulled and someone managed to trade Boardwalk for a bag of weed," Piers reminded him from his side of the couch. He was eyeing the basket of hairpins that Claire was digging through with much trepidation.

"Okay, Twister."

"Nobody's playing naked oil twister, Jake. Some of us are related, after all." Chris called from the armchair Helena was hovering over. Both he and Claire shivered in disgust at the mental image that graced the two Redfields with. While no one could see their faces, Sherry and Leon had a similar reaction. Maybe they weren't blood-related, but neither did they feel comfortable engaging in something like _that_ together.

No. Just... no.

Jake had to concede that fact. "Fair point. What about cards?"

"People cheat at blackjack," this time Helena spoke while pulling the hair clips closer to Chris. "Poker runs the risk of turning into strip poker, so again, no."

"Uno has also been forbidden do to a memorable 'Draw 4' blitz that almost landed half of us in jail, and the other half in the hospital," piped up Chris.

"For the love of—" Jake closed his eyes, momentarily understanding Leon's repeated exasperation with their so-called friends. "Clue?"

"We kind of got sidetracked by pulling out real weapons and re-enacting how the murder would have happened full scale, complete with a forensic kit." Piers shook his head at some button-topped pins Claire held up before continuing. "Which wouldn't have been so bad, except there was a disagreement about death by candlestick, so someone got the bright idea to call in a forensics team. Next thing we knew, there's a full-on murder scene investigation being done because either forensics thought they were being pranked, or they were pranking us. We never did figure out which one it was."

Jake squeezed his eyes shut. Unfortunately, that was a typical Tuesday night for this lot. "Mousetrap?"

Helena caught this one, her answer already at hand. "Piers and Leon Macgyver'ed some insane monstrosity that caught real, live mice. Claire and Chris tried to one-up them and wound up putting a hole in her wall with their Rube Goldberg nightmare."

"We would have had it if we'd had a little more time!" Claire shouted.

The brunette arched a single brow. "Babe, I love you, but if we had let you Redfields continue, the whole place would have been condemned by the end of the night."

Chris was quick to defend himself, and subsequently throw Claire under the bus. "Hey, not my fault Claire wouldn't listen to me when we argued about square footage needed for the damn thing."

"Look here you Property Brother reject—"

Jake ignored the bickering siblings as he mentally ran through some boardgames he thought might still be safe. "Okay, what about that Life game? With the little people in the cars and all that."

"Somehow a certain _someone_ ," Piers snarked—and Jake had to wonder if everyone was taking sass lessons from Leon—"ended up owning a medical company and managed to get everyone sick from a mysterious virus that caused a loss of control over people's libidos."

All eyes, save Sherry and Leon's, glared in Jake's direction. Oh yeah, that _was_ him, wasn't it?

The redhead admitted, "Mistakes may have been made." He ignored the softly coughed "Wesker kid" from Piers. "Alright, Candyland! There's no way we screwed up with Candyland!"

"Orientation and gender discrimination," came the flat answer from everyone but Sherry and Leon; most eyes shifted to land on that obscured part of the room where the two were hard at work.

"...fucks sake, people." Jake ran a tired hand down his face. "How do we manage to get family night activities banned??"

"You trust _this_ group to do anything normal?" Leon asked. Though he was mostly hidden from view by Sherry, he still made a sweeping gesture around the room that the others could see. "Seriously? You lot? I'm surprised we haven't gotten banned from the city itself at this point."

"Said the man who pulled out the stiletto when I traded Jake for Oriental Ave," Helena muttered. Her tone sounded irritated, but Leon had memorable logic and snark already loaded.

"It might have escaped your memory," he sassed back, "that I was the one suggesting that all weapons be removed and locked in a cabinet. But as I recall, I got voted down. 'It will be fine.' 'Quit being paranoid.' Then _bam_. Chris and Claire are using the cutlery to declare world war three over Illinois. Sherry and Piers are back dealing and have taken over the green and yellow corner and protecting it with kitchen utensils. And you whip out your switchblade against Jake so fast I honestly thought you were gonna slit his throat if he didn't hand Oriental over in the next three seconds!" A hysterical note crept into Leon's voice until a softly whispered "Stay still." from Sherry pulled him back down. "Anyway, between the three factions, is it really a surprise I pulled out the stiletto when I was legit in fear of my life?"

Most of them had the good grace to look (slightly) shamed. The only two didn't were Sherry, who was busy focusing on Leon's makeover, and Jake, who had a rather dreamy expression on his face as he remembered how agile her fingers were when Helena flicked out her blade just as he bought the property.

"For the record, that was kinda hot," he reflected.

"Down boy, the psycho is mine." Claire made an 'a-ha' noise before gesturing for Piers to come closer. "And okay, so game night has gotten a little out of hand," she ignored Leon's 'no shit' with great aplomb, "not like we're doing it anyway. This is much more entertaining, at any rate. Although I still don't see why I couldn't have gotten Chris. We're siblings after all."

"Simple. I don't trust you," Chris told her. "You think my memory's so bad I don't remember what you used to do to me when we were kids? Heck no! I have enough trauma in my life without revisiting your makeover days."

"Should I be afraid?" Piers looked quite worried, in truth. He'd heard some _interesting_ stories when it came to Claire and Chris's childhood before their parents passed away. So much that he had come to believe his captain might not be the more intimidating of the Redfield siblings.

"Oh, she'll be nice to you and Jake. It's _me_ she'd be sadistic with if I give her the chance."

"It's sadism done with love, big brother. Love." Claire held up some more pins for Piers, who shook his head again. "How can you reject my sisterly love? I'm hurt. _Crushed_ , even."

"Your love comes with a lot of trauma. I should know. I would rather be hated if that's the case."

"You don't want to see what she does to people she hates. It's almost a work of art." Helena continued to rummage through the basket, pulling out more clips than Chris thought necessary. He didn't have that much hair, after all.

"True. Still, I don't trust you." Chris turned his head towards his sister, and Helena put two fingers to his jaw and smoothly turned his face back to her. He got the hint and quit moving. "Also, you ever wonder how we managed to have so many dangerous women in our lives?"

"Bad luck?" Jake cringed at the withered look Claire shot him with. "I mean good. Good luck." He was able to breathe when she turned away, smacking Piers when the brunet snickered at him.

Helena hummed, finally satisfied with her selections. "Frankly, I take it as a compliment. If more men know how threatening I can be, the more likely they'll leave me alone."

"Ugh, ain't that the truth—"

"You guys are chattering too much and working too little. I'll have you all beat before you know it," Sherry called out. Leon was still hidden from the group's view. He and Sherry agreed he was not going to be seen mid-work; they were going for a full reveal once Sherry was done.

"I still think it's unfair you got Leon. You have an advantage."

"HEY!" All three men shouted. A second later, Chris subsided, followed quickly by Piers and Jake.

"Well now that I think about it, Leon _is_ the prettiest one here," joked Chris.

Jake agreed. "Normally I'd call you out on being biased, but can't fight the truth this time."

"If you're trying to make me mad, you'll have to do better than that. I already know I'm prettier than you three, so suck it, losers. Sherry and I got this."

"I'd say something about egos if it were anyone else. But he's _still_ prettier, so I kinda can't say anything," complained Piers. "Maybe we should try for second place."

"Just because _some_ of us didn't get the perfect hair gene doesn't mean we have to just roll over." Jake glanced up at Claire with a smirk. "Alright, smaller field, hit me with all you got. I better be a goddamn pretty princess when you're through."

Said smaller Redfield heaved a sigh, her hand coming up to cup her cheek. "No promises. You have the least hair here. Shame, because the color would've gotten us over easy."

"Look, I don't know how you manage it, but the last thing I need is someone trying to snap my neck by getting a grip on my hair. Better safe than sorry."

"Still doesn't change the fact that you're bald, so we're limited in what we can do." Claire found a scarf and held it up to Jake's face. "This color might work. Let's go with a side knot for it."

"Why side?"

"Why not side?" Claire was already laying the cloth over Jake's head and securing the knot over his right ear. "Any other placement will look weird, trust me."

"Not like I have a choice," the youngest male grumbled.

A commotion suddenly cropped up from the Birkin-Kennedy corner.

"Hey hey hey! Not the liner!" Everyone assumed Leon was complaining about having to wear eyeliner until they heard Sherry whined a bit as she sat back.

"Why can't I do the liner? I'd be careful!"

"I know you would be, but your wing game is too weak. Let me show you, apprentice."

The rest of the group slowly glanced around each other once they realized what the actual problem was about. Jake was the first to break the silence mere seconds later.

"Okay, now I really have to ask. One, how are you so knowledgeable about eye wings. Two, and most important, why the hell do you have all of this in the first place, hero?!"

The rest sans Sherry paused to now look at all the hair accessories strewn about the room. Every single piece was owned by Leon, who had 'donated' it for tonight's activities. Equally curious, while Claire and Helena had bought their own makeup, Sherry didn't have to use hers; Leon said she could use the kit he brought with him.

"He's got a point. Why _do_ you have all this, Leon?" Claire's curiosity soon got the better of her. "Something you're not sharing with us? Are you moonlighting? Break into theatre without letting us know?"

"I can tell you this," Chris threw in, "he keeps it all securely tucked away at his place. I made the mistake of almost staining a silk flower clip and I was sure he was going to tear me a new one."

"I still might, you keep going at this rate," Leon threatened under his breath. Sherry giggled at him, the older blond smiling back at her. His expression dropped when Helena spoke up.

"It's for missions."

" _Helena!_ "

"You should tell them!" she argued. "It's not right how often they send you out, not even letting _me_ back you up sometimes. Maybe if more people knew, we could get that asshole to back off. Hell, _you_ could get him to back off if you wanted to!"

"Look, more than half of those assignments panned out. Thanks to them, we've managed to stop more viral productions before they've run the risk of turning into an outbreak," Leon tried to placate from his still shadowed corner. "Maybe the means are a little... odd, but not even you can complain about the results."

"I can when you're the only one being made to go on them!"

"...Helena..."

Chris reached a breaking point. " _Somebody_ needs to inform the rest of the class." A quick look around the room, especially at both Sherry and Helena's faces, gave some hint on what was going on. "So this is a DSO thing? I thought Leon was top of the chain there, just under the president."

When it was clear neither Leon nor Sherry were going to say anything, Helena spoke up. "He is. But the president can still get suggestions for missions to assign to DSO agents."

That... didn't sound good in the least. Dark eyes narrowed dangerously, just waiting for a target to lock onto.

"And who would be making these suggestions."

The two visible agents glanced at each other. Sherry gave a sharp nod to Helena, then wordlessly turned back to Leon. Helena closed her eyes a moment to gather her courage.

"The new Chief Security Advisor. But wait!" she yelped, placing a hand against Chris's chest to keep him from storming out to hunt down the new CSA. "Just hang on. It's not going to be another Simmons. For one, the power of the CSA has been severely reduced thanks to Simmon's role in Tall Oaks. Two, in regards to any bioterrorism, Leon has a higher standing. The CSA covers different threats, but just in a purely advisory role now, compared to when Simmons headed his own department."

That only somewhat mollified Chris. "So how does this new CSA relate to these _mysterious_ assignments?" He made a point of emphasizing the word to let them know the matter hadn't been forgotten.

"His name is Joshua Bennain. Since one of his roles is to establish the types of threats reported, he can suggest which agencies would be best suited to each threat. Almost all instances of bioterrorism land in the DSO, especially missions that can help thwart an outbreak before one occurs."

_'Least I have a name if I have to punch someone.'_ He couldn't keep himself from glaring, knowing Helena was still holding back. "Spit it out, Helena. You wouldn't get this upset without good reason."

The younger agent nodded. "Bennain has been suggesting certain... honeypot missions."

From his corner, Leon did his best to keep still so he wouldn't smudge Sherry's work. "Okay, first, they're not honeypot—"

"Oh please do tell what it is, then, when you're sent in to practically seduce the target!"

"I'm not seducing them, per se." Leon's voice was slightly muffled as Sherry moved around him while still blocking the older agent from sight. "But yes, I do have to go undercover, and sometimes that cover requires unorthodox outfits."

"Leon..." Helena huffed softly. "You're being sent in under drag, or straight up as a woman sometimes."

" _WHAT?!_ " Everyone save Sherry jumped up at that new intel. Jake's eyes slid over to where the two DSO agents were still cornered.

"You knew about this, supergirl?"

Sherry and Leon engaged in a whispered conversation from their niche, voices pitched so low none of the others could make out what was being said. After several exchanges, Sherry leaned away from the older blond while still keeping him obscured from view.

"Contrary to what Helena said, Leon's not usually alone for these assignments. Also, I'm given similar missions when the need arises. Sometimes I'm his backup, sometimes he's mine, and a few times it's a joint mission. It's just another assignment in the end. Sure, we might cringe about it, but better than the alternative. I'd rather dress up as a Playboy Bunny and serve drinks in a strip joint than have to deal with a city-wide outbreak."

Both Jake and Piers gritted their teeth even as the two sat back on the sofa they shared. Claire, however, wasn't ready to let it go just yet.

"I hope you have plans in place if your cover's blown," she growled.

"Of course!" Neither Sherry nor Leon bothered to hide their exasperation. Why was it the rest of their group constantly underestimated them?

"Yes, I go on a _few_ alone," Leon admitted, "but not as many as Helena might think. She doesn't get all the intel, and only knows when I leave for them."

"Though Leon's more than capable, the current president doesn't like sending us out alone that much. So even if we're not paired off together, there's usually an agent from another department sent with us."

"And one of the _first_ things we plan for is an exit strategy," Leon continued after Sherry. He made a gesture for her to focus back on their makeup project. "And we keep planning for it throughout the mission debriefing. We plan for it even when we have to toss out the plan. Trust me, the last thing we need is getting caught out in some of the garbs we've worn."

And while that comforted Claire, the older Redfield was still distressed about the situation.

"And why hide this from us," he questioned, "if these assignments are as cut-and-dried as you say?"

Chris could only see Sherry's back from his position, so Leon raised his hands into view to emphasize his points as he spoke. He pointed one finger towards the ceiling.

"Okay, one? Just like I don't get all the details on reports given to us from the BSAA, that also works in reverse. Don't blame me just because our agencies aren't bosom buddies. We're just the lackeys at the end of the day." Leon held up another finger. "Two, and the most important, for the very face I know you're making right now. You can be very judgy on what I do, which is both annoying and a bit hypocritical of you if you ever wondered."

"Wha—how in the..." Chris sputtered for a handful of seconds, not sure what to make of his lover's statement. "How am I being hypocritical for being worried about you?! Jesus!" And the brunet was obviously gearing up for a full-blown Redfield Rant™, until Leon's next words pulled him up short.

"Because if you didn't allow yourself to be put in a glass case after China, why do you feel you get to do it to others who didn't have a fraction of the same PTSD you did after Edonia?"

Chris really should remember that Leon knows _exactly_ where to put the knife, sometimes. Didn't mean he wouldn't try and brute-force it if he could.

"Maybe I just want others to not have to go through the same thing?"

"And maybe we don't like having our skills questioned when we're every bit as trained, if not more so," Sherry muttered under her breath. It was fast becoming obvious the younger blonde did not like where the discussion was heading. "Not to mention the outbreaks in Santa Nal, Lake Key, and Natsdale."

Try as he might, Chris couldn't recall hearing about anything occurring in any of those locations. "There weren't any outbreaks at those places," he pointed out.

Sherry nearly broke the makeup brush she was holding in half. "And that's because of the missions Leon and I have been on!"

"Sherry..." The others saw Leon's hand reach out from the shadow to cover Sherry's own. He didn't say anything nor pull away until he could feel the tremors of her anger ebb away. "There you go. It's okay."

The younger blonde shook her head even as she accepted Leon's comfort. "Not okay."

"It will be. How's that?" He waited until Sherry nodded once. "Good. That's good. Now, I think you smudged the blush a bit. Might want to fix that."

"...oh shit!" Leon had successfully shifted her focus. Only she could see the smile he offered Sherry.

"It's fine. Fine." The older agent took a deep breath, then another. He held the air in and counted to ten before exhaling slowly. When he spoke again, Leon maintained a calming presence for Sherry's sake.

"Yes, I've had to dress in some uncomfortable outfits. So has Sherry. It's harder than you might think for a woman to pass herself off as a man without looking like twink jailbait. Sherry's had to do that just as I've had to glam myself up. And we both would—and most likely will—have to do it again

"As Sherry said," he went on, "those assignments helped prevent outbreaks and stop sales of bioweapons on the black market. There are fewer people around with knowledge of how to create and manufacture the virus as well. And if finally, _finally_ putting a dent in all these damn viruses means I have to wear a dress that looks and feels like it was freakin' spray-painted on, and wedge my package into a gaff and suffer for a few hours, then that's what I'm going to do. And not one person is going to stop either of us, _got it_?"

There would be no argument with that tone. It was the absolute end of discussion for both agents. If anyone dared to think of bringing the issue back into play, there would be pain and suffering and exactly zero regrets from either of them. The group was warned with that final statement.

For once in their mutual lives, they listened.

Leon heard the acquiescence in their silence and felt grateful they got it. He sighed loudly now that the drama-llamas had been tended to. Still, there was one issue he felt needed to be addressed.

"Claire, when this is all over, could you please spank your girlfriend for me? And not in the sexy way?" he requested.

Blue eyes looked into the shadows before Claire slid them towards Helena, then back again. "Well, just this once—"

"HEY!"

The outburst was met with an arched brow. "You _did_ kind of blurt that out without his, no, _their_ permission. Maybe it needed to be said, maybe not, but honestly wasn't your call to make, sugartits."

Helena knew she'd only get 'spanked' if she gave consent. It had happened before, though Claire had been on the receiving end that time. Still, she thought about what Claire said, and decided in this case it was fair.

"...fine, but we're negotiating the swats."

"Agreed."

Jake blinked slowly and glanced between the two ladies. His brain to mouth filter stayed firmly in the off position. "Is anyone else the slightest bit intimidated by this relationship?"

"Why?" Piers had decided it was in the best interest of his sanity to ignore everything and rooted around in the hairpin container. "Afraid Sherry and I will get ideas?"

"In a word, yes."

Sherry grumbled, slightly ticked at having messed up the blush earlier. "I already bought a paddle, so don't push me, Jake."

The young man would have flailed if Claire hadn't sat on him to keep Jake from doing just that. "Wha—wait, when did you—off me, smaller field! I gotta break-and-burn to do!"

Piers held a pin up to admire it in the light. "I thought the term was slash-and-burn."

"Now is not the time for English lessons, Nemo! You have any idea how dangerous that could be in supergirl's hands? I'd like my ass intact, thankyouverymuch!"

Jake's panic didn't let him see when Claire had mouthed "Nemo?" to Piers, who just shrugged it off. There was a story there, but it could wait.

"You know, you might as well surrender now. None of you have gotten very far, and we're almost through." Sherry affected a snooty air about her, knowing they'd already won and she was very much aware of this fact. Claire and Helena swore and took back control.

"Okay, Chris. While we have more to work with than Jake, that's still not a lot. Fortunately, Leon has excellent tastes, so we're going to clip along the side with this." Helena held up several clips decorated with baby's breath. _'How many hairclips does a person need?'_ The captain felt torn between rolling his eyes and sighing at his situation, so he opted to do both.

"Do... whatever. Just don't bury me in makeup. That crap's hard to get off."

"Now you know how we feel." Helena set to work, hands swift and nimble as she focused on her given makeover victim. On the sofa, Claire was nearly wrestling with Jake over the lip gloss.

"This will work! It's not like your hair is even showing! It'll match the pop of color in the scarf!"

"Dammit, woman, do you want to turn me into a friggin' pumpkin? Because if you put that on me I'm going to look like one!"

"You're not _that_ pale!"

"Just go for a cooler red or something! This ain't Halloween!"

"Ugh, _fine_! You big baby. Oh, Piers, that one!" Claire switched gears so fast Jake started complaining of whiplash. Piers meanwhile had paused, holding up a single bobby pin with a small, white flower at the top. "Please tell me there are more of those!"

"Um... yes?" Piers felt intimidated enough to push himself further back into the sofa, eyeing Claire as one would a dangerous animal.

"Good, those will be perfect!" Claire stayed put on Jake's lap and reached over to snag the bin with the pins. "Okay, we're going to get a few of these for you, Piers. Here, hold on to these while I get his majesty into a different gloss."

"You wish, small fields."

"Hold still you little—"

Piers edged away from the two insane people on the couch. In the meantime, Helena was complaining about not being allowed to shave Chris's five o'clock shadow; more like a ten o'clock to hear her tell it. She looked through her own makeup, tossing out tube after tube of lipstick until she shouted "Eureka!" and presented it to Chris. He of course had no idea what was so special about it, until she took the cap off and twisted it up.

"Is... is that blood?" He hated the faint tremor he couldn't hide in his voice. "Why is that blood-colored, Helena?"

"I like to imagine I've bathed in the blood of my enemies. This is the shade I managed to find after a thug took a sweet kukri to the stomach."

"...you're scary."

"Thank you." Helena bent forward and proceeded to "gussy Chris up" as she put it. For the next twenty minutes the two women work, and in some cases fought with their respective—"Victims!" "Hush, Jake."—volunteers. Unfortunately, twenty minutes was all Sherry and Leon were willing to give them, as they had finished fifteen minutes ago.

"Should learn how to multitask with your makeovers," Sherry bragged. Claire pointed a comb at the blonde, which looked much too threatening in the younger Redfield's hand.

"You got Leon. You don't get to complain."

"Hah! So the artist blames the canvas?"

"You...."

A sharp "Hey! sounded from the couch. Both women turned to see an annoyed and fully made-over Jake. "Okay, look. I don't feel like sitting in on any dick measuri—er..." He was quick to wilt at the twin glares from Claire and Sherry, daring him to finish that sentence. "I mean, there's no reason to bother taking potshots at each other. Frankly, I'm ready to get this junk off me, so let's just get it over with already." The glaring continued. "...please?"

Claire broke away with a huff several seconds later. "Fine, but I still think she had an unfair advantage."

"Can we please get this done? I'm about ready to agree with Jake, and you know how dangerous that is." Chris nodded his thanks when Piers leaned over to clamp a hand over Jake's mouth, stopping all the coming insults before they could get out.

"It'd probably be for the best," Piers agreed.

Helena and Claire looked at their vic— _volunteers_ and decided they'd done the best they could. Helena gestured for Claire to go first, who turned around towards Jake.

"Alright, Jake, front and center."

"Finally!" Jake walked with a ridiculously exaggerated sway to the middle of the room. The group laughed and cat-called the redhead as he made a twirl.

"Yes, I know, I'm gorgeous. Despite the small fields trying to sabotage me."

"The orange would have been fine!"

"Like hell it would," he growled back. Leon shifted forward at a gesture from Sherry so he could get a look. Clothes weren't a factor, so they had all dressed comfortably. For Jake this was a simple, white t-shirt and jeans with more holes than material. The real star was his makeover, after all. Claire was able to match the foundation to his natural tone, even covering his scar perfectly. She gave his brows as much definition as she could since he refused to let her near him with the tweezers. In lieu of hair ornaments, he wore a blank scarf with tiny flowers embroidered sparingly over the main dark color. The ties were of a courser material and had an almost tribal appeal to them. Claire had tied the scarf loosely just below Jake's right ear.

"Well it takes care of the hair issue," Leon whispered to Sherry. "What do you think of his makeup, though?"

She hmm'd as she took in Jake's look. He had been right in fighting Claire against the orange lip gloss. His lips were painted with a much cooler reddish berry. Claire didn't bother with foundation contouring and only added colors to redefine Jake's natural look. She was very heavy-handed with the teal mascara, while barely touching the skin with the eye-liner. His lashes really stood out, even against the slightly darker teal on his lids.

"I'm not even a little bit worried," Sherry whispered back to Leon. I do like the eyes, but I would have done just a _little_ contouring."

He pointed out, "You didn't do much of that with me."

She turned around to smile at her makeover partner. Her fingers hovered just above Leon's skin, not wanting to smudge his makeup. "Hate to tell you this, but it's not as necessary with you as you might think."

And he couldn't exactly disagree. The older agent had become quite familiar with his own face after getting some in-depth makeup lessons from 'experts' he knew. (And boy, would this group have something to say about all the drag Queens he was friendly with.)

He genially yielded the point as the gracious man Leon could pretend to be. "Hmm, I suppose I will allow you to have that one."

A wink and a grin were tossed back at Leon. "You're letting me have it because it's true."

"...you say so. Is Jake still on the floor?"

Sherry sat back in time to catch Jake sashay around the room one last time. "That man is outrageous."

"And you like him."

"And I like him."

Jake took a bow amid more whoops of laughter and clapping before flopping back into his seat. "Alright, alright. Think it's Bigger field's turn."

Chris heaved the biggest sigh he could muster. He was not nearly as outlandish as Jake could be—he didn't think that person existed—and tried to get out of the whole 'showing off' portion. "Do I have to stand? You can all see me from here, you know."

"Up and at 'em, soldier boy!" Helena put her own speed on display and wrapped her hands around Chris's right bicep to haul him straight out of the armchair. The two gaped at each other once the captain was steady on his feet. Chris had known the agent could be fast, but it was the first time he had glimpsed a measure of her strength as well. As for Helena, she'd never felt arms quite like his before.

"Just how strong are you?" he blurted out. From the shadows, they could hear Leon cackle.

"She could easily grab me by my arm and help pull up my entire weight over heights that were too big for either of us to simply jump up to on our own," he explained. In fact, Leon felt confident that if they had tried it, Helena could just as easily have hoisted _him_ up and over if she wanted. He didn't know where that wild strength came from, nor did he ever ask. The blond had doubts it was natural, and he found himself hating Simmons just a little—okay, a _lot_ more.

Fortunately, Helena pulled him from those dark thoughts when she lobbed out her own question. "Nevermind that. How much protein powder do you need to drink to get those arms? What, do you just piledrive BOWs or something?"

Piers, Claire, Jake, Sherry, and Leon all answered with a categorical "Yes." Helena's jaw dropped for a moment; Chris almost stepped back at the glitter appearing in her eyes before the young woman turned to her lover.

"Claire, I'm leaving you for your brother. He piledrives _zombies_."

The other Redfield didn't look at all concerned and soon explained why. "Okay, one, Leon has suplexed a few zombies himself. Ashley told me about it when I met her. Two, would you really break Leon's heart like that? Three, I went into Raccoon City with an SLS 60 and survived, because _someone_ didn't trust me with the NSR47 rifle." She ignored the hard eye-roll Chris allowed himself. "Four, I own an anti-materiel rifle, babe. You sure you want to let go of me that fast?"

"You own—why wasn't I told this before?" She whirls on Chris, forcing him to take a step back in fear of his sanity. "Sorry, Redfield, it wouldn't have worked out anyway."

Words weren't necessary; Chris's expression spoke of just how deeply he agreed with that statement.

"Anyway!" Helena continued, "Just give us a once around—oh wait, I know! Flex those guns for us, why don'cha?"

Leon and Sherry both privately wondered if Chris's eyes would roll right out of his skull before the night was through. Still, he did as asked, flexing one arm while the ladies clapped. It created a slight (huge) dichotomy with his makeover. Much like Jake, Chris had gone for a casual dress and wore a flannel button-down with the sleeves rolled up and buttons undone to show the white tee stretch very tightly across his chest. (Sherry had side-eyed Leon on that. He didn't bother denying it.) Chris wouldn't allow Helena near him with too many sharp objects, so his stubble remained, if muted with some of the foundation blending. An attempt at contouring was made, but Chris's jawline was too masculine to hide well, which she admitted was more her lack of skill than anything. Helena did manage to soften the sharpness of his nose a little; Claire called her a miracle worker for that alone.

Chris had absolutely not been kidding when he called Helena's lipstick 'blood'. And she had been very generous in its application. She extended the lip line as much as she could while still keeping it natural, knowing the eyes would be drawn there the most. Helena was more subtle with the eyes, choosing shades of rich browns to open his eyes a bit more. Sherry thought it a risky strategy to place the highlighting color close to the lash line, but it did help create some space between the lashes and the brows. Unlike Claire, Helena wielded a lighter touch with the mascara, while only lining the corners of Chris's eyes to also help to make them appear larger.

"Too much attention to the lips," Leon whispered to his partner, making sure the others still couldn't hear them. "And while he's a great kisser, they're a little too thin to bring that much focus on them."

"You have to give her points for the eyes, though. They do look more open than before," Sherry pointed out, which Leon offered an agreeing noise to.

"Nothing to do about the hair, though."

"Sadly, but the baby's breath clips were a nice choice." And the younger agent had tried her best. Chris's hair had been brushed towards one side as much as possible, where Helena arranged the cluster of clips along that part of Chris's hair. The clips formed a half-circle of light green leaves dotted with tiny, white silk blooms. Leon and Sherry both had similar thoughts of a young girl convincing Chris to let her arrange flowers in his hair.

"Okay, that's more than enough." Chris flopped back into the armchair and ignored the boos from the peanut gallery. "Besides, it's Piers turn, isn't it?"

Piers didn't have a problem showing off Claire's work, but he did have to wonder, "Why are we letting Leon and Sherry go last again?"

Helena started packing her makeup back while gathering all the unused hair accessories. She stopped long enough to give the soldier a meaningful look. "You honestly think letting him go first would have worked out any better for you?"

No, probably not, and Piers accepted that. He stood and moved to the center of the room, sporting a half-smile when Jake motioned for him to give a little spin.

"I can see Claire went for the adorable route with Piers," Sherry chirped her observation.

"It was really the only thing she could do. Jake's too flamboyant, and no way it would have worked for Chris. I don't think Helena would know how to do cute, anyway."

Both blonds agreed on that fact as they focused on Piers. Claire managed to get the flipped up bangs to lay down, even forming a kind of half-curl resting on his forehead. The rest she'd brushed back, then decorated both sides of his head with bobby pins tipped with pale beige flowers. She arrange the pins in a way that, if they didn't know he had short hair, the pair might think his hair braided instead.

"I wouldn't have thought of that. And she did it so well."

Leon felt the same, impressed with Clair's skill. "Of the three, Piers has a little more to work with. It still would have been a hassle getting it just right."

"Ouch. My hands hurt just thinking about it."

"Mm-hm." Moving away from his face, the pair gave his clothes a cursory glance. Nobody was being judged for that, fortunately, so everyone had kept to a casual or comfortable look. Leon personally thought the plain, long-sleeved tee worked okay for the young brunet. From there they focused on his makeup. Piers was fortunate enough to have fuller lips than the others. Even more than his own, though Sherry shrugged that off, pointing out Claire didn't have fun with that the way she could have. Claire had opted for a pale pink shade of lipstick paired with a faintly darker berry lip gloss. While Claire would be the first to admit her wing game was incredibly weak, she managed to contour using eye shadow to still give the same dramatic effect, bringing a darker brown up in a similar fashion, while keeping a lighter color for the rest of the eye. The did the added bonus of lifting the natural droop of Piers's eyes at the outer corners.

Unlike the other two victims, Piers did let Claire define his brows, and in return she did so very subtly. She reduced some of the heaviness at the inner corners of the eyes, and used her brow pencil to extend them from what she described as a "really nice arch already, no way I'm screwing that up." Claire went light with both liner and mascara, likely to avoid enhancing the droop, which Leon pointed out to Sherry. There wasn't much contouring done to Piers's jawline, as Claire opted to just soften his forehead a bit.

"He'd be our strongest competition if Claire had played up his lips a bit more."

Sherry wasn't too sure of that. "Sure, he's got slightly fuller lips, but you need a bit more than that for a good look," she argued. "That's just your insecurity talking anyway. Hey, you trust me, right?"

That shouldn't be a question far as Leon was concerned. "Of course I do. And I trust your skills. By the way, Aurora and Cleo said we're due for a refresher course."

"Pippa isn't going to be there, is she? You know she and Cleo don't really get along. Life's stressful enough without two Queens sniping at each other. Hell, you had to physically pick Cleo up and hall her out the room. Which, points to you, since she actually told you the secret to her perfect brow technique. I want you to know I am made of envy over that."

It's one of those perfect brows that lift at Sherry's confession. "Bring her a tiramisu. She'll tell you anything you want to know if you do."

"Really? I better shop around. It has to be damn good to get her to spill."

"Hey hey hey!" Of course it was Jake who would interrupt the blond menaces, as the rest of the group were beginning to think of them. "We've all gone up and had a turn, and you two have kept hidden since the start. Time to put up or shut up."

Piers slapped a hand over his painted face. Chris resisted doing the same as he wasn't sure he wanted any of this stuff on his hands. Claire and Helena both shook their heads in resignation; they knew it was going to be an untouchable victory, and not for either of them.

Meanwhile, Sherry beamed at the challenge and stood quickly before holding a hand out to the shadow Leon had occupied. He took it and let her hoist him to his feet. She even went as far as to offer her arm to him, which he accepted with a graceful hand. As Leon stepped into the light, the others could feel their collective jaws dropped. Leon hadn't even made a circuit of the room; he didn't need to as the rest had a very clear view. Jake snapped his mouth shut only long enough to let him talk again.

"I hate him."

Leon and Sherry each bit down a snort. The young woman moved to grasp Leon's hand and led him into a slow spin. Frankly, she was quite proud of their efforts.

Leon had opted for clothing meant to bring focus to his face, so he wore a form-fitting black turtleneck, with jeans Chris swears were painted on. Having the longest hair among the guys let Sherry play a bit. She french braided the left side along the side down to the nape of his neck. Obviously she left the right side alone; Sherry knew better than to disturb perfection.

The older agent had complete trust in Sherry, and it showed when the group noticed how smooth his skin was.

"How did—"

Sherry whipped out a straight razor so fast more than one of them shifted away from her. Jake turned to Leon after goggling over that for several moments.

"And you let her near your _neck_ with that thing?!"

"I trust her." Leon shrugged; it wasn't a big deal when the trust was an absolute. Jake muttered something about balls of steel but was mostly ignored.

"How the hell is his skin so damn perfect? That is so not fair."

Helena's complaint was met with several nods of agreement. With the stubble gone, Sherry had perfectly matched and blended the foundation. As she told Leon earlier, she didn't need to contour much beyond softening his jawline a little. The small change still had a dramatic effect to more than one pair of eyes. 

Both women grumbled at how perfect Leon's wing game turned out to be. His eyes took on a slender and—they churlishly agreed—beautiful cat-like appearance. Sherry's skill with eyeshadow only enhanced the look with smoky colors that brought out the clear blue of his eyes. The mascara finished the look with perfect lashes that rested against his cheeks when Leon closed his eyes.

"I think I'm going to have to agree with you on that hatred, Jake." Piers scrunched up his face. "And I can see why Claire and Helena were complaining about unfair advantages."

Leon raised an arched brow in Piers direction. The young brunet took mild solace in the fact that Leon's lips weren't as full as his; cold comfort when compared to Sherry's color choice and lining expertise.

It truly was a gorgeous look, and a slam dunk for the blonds. Chris was willing to give them the win, but only in the most embarrassing fashion he could to soothe his ego.

"Welp, if we're grading in terms of fuckability, Leon definitely wins, because I'd fuck him."

"Chris!" And oh, what a lovely blush underneath all that makeup. Chris only slightly regretted his actions; Leon was even more stunning with the faint heat on his cheeks.

"I... kinda agree?"

" _Jake!_ " Sherry yelped this time, blood rushing to her own face at the audacity of her boyfriend. Honestly, some images she did _not_ need taking root in her head... 

...and there it was. _'Dammit, Jake! That's my kinda-dad you got rolling around in my gay fantasies now! It'll be months before I can look at male-male porn again!'_ She made the decision then and there to have both Jake and Piers help scrub the pictures from her mind later.

Too bad Piers made it worse.

"I mean, yeah, if I didn't know him, I would be interested."

Both blonds were gritting their teeth. A glance at each other confirmed their thoughts; their revenge would be brutal and absolute.

"Okay! So, did we ever agree on a prize, or was this just a kind of 'suck it losers' competition?" Claire could be very skilled in defusing a weird situation; she'd do it more often if she didn't prefer causing them herself so much. And while he wasn't nearly as good as his sister in that regard, Chris was not above making the attempt when he realized he's screwed up.

"Pizza. We were going to anyway, but we cover the cost of theirs for winning. That's fair, right?"

Piers and Helena agreed, the former slapping a hand over Jake's mouth to keep the redhead from tossing himself needlessly into the fire.

"Dude, do you really want to argue with Sherry? She knows how to use a straight blade." Piers noted the glazed look in Jake's eyes and removed his hand, feeling it safe now that Jake's focus had shifted to how deadly their girlfriend could be.

"That is incredibly hot," he moaned.

"Yes, yes, I know. She can kick both our asses, and you love her for it." Piers noticed Chris's confusion and explained. "Jake likes his women dangerous."

"Huh." And yes, Sherry apparently could use a straight razor well enough, and he was aware of Leon giving her more self-defense lessons. Still... "I suppose, but honestly I can't say I see it."

Chris felt a slight wisp of air go past his ear. When he craned his neck back, he was both mortally shocked, yet also not at all surprised, at seeing a knife still quivering from where it landed in the wall behind him. He knew there was only one reason for that.

"Dammit, Leon! Quit giving Sherry knife-throwing lessons!"

"Never! My baby girl will soon be the most lethal agent in the department."

"Aw, thanks, Papa Lion!"

"Don't mention it, Sherry-berry."

The interaction had become familiar to Piers, so he turned back to Jake just to see the redhead practically drooling. He patted Jake on the shoulder. "Yes, she'll probably throw some more if you ask her."

"...damn, how'd I get so lucky?" He flopped over to land on Piers's lap, who smiled and let his fingers brush along Jake's shoulder. Chris decided now was an excellent time to get himself back to rights.

"I am going to wash my face, fix my hair, and call for pizza. Get your orders ready while I'm gone so you don't have to shout like a bunch of savages." He called the last part over his shoulder with his feet already carrying the captain towards the bathroom. Smoky blue narrowed at where Chris had disappeared, then cut over to Helena.

"Would you help him get the clips out before he tries to pull them off and messes them up? Because he will _not_ like how much it would cost to replace them."

The younger agent snapped a salute to Leon before following after Chris. Claire in turned patted Jake on his still scarf covered head.

"Should clean you two up as well. I've got makeup remover, so it'll be easy."

"Oh good, freedom!" Jake lifted himself—rather slowly, Leon noted—from Piers's lap. He unknotted and pulled off the dark scarf to smooth his hand over the fuzz of his head. "Much better. Hey, while we're waiting for the pizza I got an idea. I know a card game we can play, that will make sure we don't do anything weird with family, will be silly for people to bother to cheating at, and will avoid the threat of maiming, hospital visits, and jail time."

Everyone felt varying degrees of skepticism at such bold claims. Claire paused in her search for the remover to look at Jake. "What miracle of games could possibly exist that we don't screw up somehow?" she asked, puzzled that such a thing could exist in their universe. They were talking about the same group of people who managed to ban _Candyland_ from game night. But Jake's expression spoke of a sweet victory that had all of them on edge. Anything that made Jake smile like that could not be good.

The redhead grinned, ignorant and impervious to their worries. "Easy, doodle poker."

None of the others thought it'd work. Nothing else had, so why should this work? Yet there wasn't any reason they could find to dismiss the idea. In short, they were going to play doodle poker, and gods help them all.

"...I know fear."

They had informed Chris of the plan when he got back; his face spoke of his own concerns about the suggestion. Much like the others, he couldn't think of anything to counter it. They were all resigned to the possibility of a night ending in blood and mayhem. At least until Jake explained the rules.

It was completely insane and idiotic and perfectly Jake. The rest of the group gained a little hope that perhaps Sherry's carpet would come out with zero bloodstains in the end. With nothing better to do, Sherry went to her personal safe to get the cards. "Why are they—" "Cards are dangerous in this group." Everyone grabbed some folding chairs from the garage to sit around the coffee table shoved aside earlier. Much jostling and hip checks occurred until they were all seated around the table. The cards were flipped into Sherry's outstretched hand, shuffled, and hands dealt out before some knew what was happening. Markers were then slammed down in the middle of the table, courtesy of Leon.

"Five-card draw, no actual betting, winner gets to draw whatever they want on any one person of their choosing. Agreed?" A round of assent from everyone signaled the start of the game. Everyone took a deep breath and braced themselves as the first calls were made.

Sherry silently prayed for the continued existence of her home.

-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-÷-

The pizza took an hour to get there. When the driver finally showed up, he blinked at what little he could see when the door opened, only to be greeted by a stunning face that took him a minute to realized belonged to a man.

Questions of his sexuality were firmly pushed aside. Far, _far_ aside.

"Oh, right, our pizzas!" Leon swept the many boxes up from the driver's hands and placed the money there in the same motion. "I hope the tip is enough."

A short look had the driver nearly choke on his spit. A fifty dollar tip?! Hell, he doubted if he ever saw a tip like this again.

"It... it's... thank you, ma'am... ah, sir... I mean..." His babble dried up from the soft chuckle escaping the pretty man in front of him.

"It's fine. And thanks for the pizza."

"O-of course! Have a good night!" He stagged back to his car, unsure of which to focus on, the hefty tip, or the _not-at-all-gorgeous_ man who answered the door.

His co-workers were never going to believe this. The driver looked at his tip again. Screw his co-workers anyway, this house was his from now on.

Leon waited until the delivery guy took off, then turned to see the results of Jake's 'doodle poker'. Most of the players were sprawled out amongst the armchairs, sofa, and loveseat in various stages of sleep. Of the lot, only he and Sherry weren't decked out in marker. Not for lack of trying, but Sherry had turned out to be a card shark. As for Leon, he had learned from the best poker face around, Hunnigan.

He left off thoughts of poker to take the pizzas into the kitchen. He knew the smell would soon rouse the gang anyway. Leon strolled back into the living room and noted the various doodles drawn on everyone's faces. He had to hold back a snicker at seeing almost all of the doodles on Jake's face were dicks.

Another look around revealed flower and flame doodles on Claire's face. Helena had a gun on her right cheek. Piers was given a dotted nose and whisker marks, while a crude rocket launcher had been drawn on Chris's forehead.

It was the last one Leon chose to nudge awake first.

"Just so you know," Leon told him after Chris yawned himself awake, "you look ridiculous."

"And you don't?" Though Chris already knew the answer to that.

"Look me in the eyes, Chris Redfield, and tell me I don't look gorgeous. I dare you."

He really couldn't. Leon still wore his makeup and he looked stunning. So Chris went for a strategic deflection.

"How about we get our pizzas and turn in early. I know the guest room Sherry assigned us is ready and waiting."

That sounded like a magnificent idea to Leon. He felt appropriate to warn, "We're not getting up to anything, just so you know."

"Of course not. I don't trust any of them to _not_ try and use it against us." Chris slid his hands under their respective pizzas and tilted his head towards the guestroom. "After the most beautiful man I know." He smiled at the meaningful gaze Chris found himself under. "What? It's true, isn't it?"

"Oh, and here I was wondering how you would manage to walk behind yourself." The blond left Chris sputtering in the kitchen to move towards the guestroom. Chris jogged after him a moment later.

"You!"

"What? It's true, isn't it." Leon pecked his lover on the cheek as he took possession of his pizza. Not knowing what to say, Chris grumbled to himself as he climbed into bed next to Leon, the pizzas set between them. The blond always did like to be cheeky.

He felt another peck on the cheek and turned curious eyes towards his lover.

"I wasn't a fan of Helena's blood-red. I think this color looks better on you." Leon pressed his lips over Chris's, some of the lipstick now on the older man instead. "There, much better."

Chris chuckled softly. "You're the expert, after all." He watched as Leon smiled while setting up his laptop so they could watch a movie. Soon the two were cuddled close on the bed, pizza within easy reach, and Sherlock playing on the screen. All in all, it was a perfect ending to a crazy day.

And tomorrow, Chris was going to make a point of asking Sherry just what color lipstick she used on Leon.

For reasons.

♡


	2. Now with Fanart!

The wonderful [Aideryn](https://aiderynddraig.tumblr.com) made this absolutely perfect pic of the boys in their makeovers, and I had to share! The details are amazing and it's wonderful how much it matched what I imagined the guys to look like. And also shows Helena makes terrible colour choices. Please give Aide all the love for such an amazing piece!


End file.
